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Be Blessed, Ladies!

A Beach Kind Of Panic Attack

When I was 13, my grandparents bought a time-share. Which basically means that they bought a week for themselves where they could go stay in Florida at a condo. That first year, they invited me, my sister, my Aunt Marybeth, and my 2 cousins, Hannah and Danielle. Let me tell you, I was beyond psyched!

I was going to go to the beach, I was going to have the time of my life, I was going to get to be a real teenager, I was going to get to hang out with my cousins (who were 15 and 26 at the time), It was going to be the most fun week of my entire life.

And you know what? I HATED it.

This trip I would have given anything to go on, this trip my dad made me take swim lessons to go on {even though I already knew how to swim perfectly fine, but I think he was just being mean.}, I ended up hating so much. I was extremely homesick. From the moment I left home I could tell that this was going to be a bad idea. Every night while we were in Florida I cried. I still had so many more days left in the week, I was annoyed at how long my cousins took to get ready, I was completely bored sitting at the beach everyday... it was no fun at all. I even hated the day we went to Disney World.

Every year since then, my grandparents have gone to the condo for their week and taken my sister along. They go to the beach all week, and Disney World for one day. But I have not been back to Florida since that first time.

Rachel (my sister), Hannah (my cousin), and I at our condo in Florida.

My grandparents have tried to persuade me each year, my sister has tried to persuade me, but I don't go back. I had such a awful experience the first time, that honestly, why would I ever want to go back to Florida?

Except this year, I kind of do. 

As much as I hated the beach last time (and trust me, I hated it) I think it could be fun to go to the beach again. Couldn't it? People change. I hated the beach at 13, but I didn't hate it any of the times I'd been to the beach prior to then (this visit was my first time at the Atlantic Ocean. Before that, I had only been to the Pacific, because we lived in California.)

But then again, what if I do hate it?

I know this probably shouldn't be such a big dilemma, but for me it really is. Part of me feels like the beach would be such a fun get away, but the other part of me is scared. Scared that I'll hate it just as much as I did last time, that I'll be bored out of my mind, that I'll want to cry every night , that I'll be miserable, you know, all the things I was last time.

Everyone tells me it will be fun, but will it? I have to decide, and I can't go back and forth. Once I get into the car and we are on the road, I'm stuck! It's too late to turn back/ I don't want to have a miserable feeling of dread set in 5 minutes into our trip.I don't want to feel like crying the entire way there and be unhappy everyday for a week.

It's a week. But it's one of my last weeks off before I go back to school. I still have a ton of school work to do, and I was thinking the 14+ hours car ride to Florida might be the opportune time to get that stuff done once and for all. But what if I don't get it done? Then I'll have roughly a week to do everything {hyperventilate.} If I hate the beach, I don't want the week to be more miserable in my mind because I have to do an overwhelming amount of work while I'm there.

{Hyperventilate, grab air mask, back to writing.}

I think it's safe to say I'm freaking out. I'm only human, I have the right to that sometimes, don't I? I'm just overwhelmed at this point. Why can't my life and my decisions be simple? Why can't I just go, relax, and be totally carefree on the beach for a week? {For one, I don't have a swimsuit, but never mind that...} And Disney World. I doubt I'd be miserable there {Happiest place on Earth, right?}, but I can't go for the entire week just for that one fun day in Disney.

I keep going back and forth. Right now, I'm panic attacking, but I'll think about it, and then I'll decide I want to go.  I wishy-washy, because it all keeps coming back to that first time I went. I was basically traumatized {I don't even know what was so horrible, girls. I just can't shake that feeling and those memories of how much I hated the beach.}

It does sound fun. I mean, hunting for seashells, walking along the shore, swimming in the ocean out to the buoy, playing in the sand, reading a book in a beach chair, just having an overall fun, relaxing time. But I'm terrified!!

The view from our balcony the first {and only} time I went.

I had a horrible experience last time I went, but one trip that I hated with every fiber in my being shouldn't be able to stop me from going to the beach again and having a wonderful time. I shouldn't let it! But... easier said than done.

The past is history. The past can't touch me. Why can't I just let go of the past, of my last not-so-wonderful visit to the beach, and look forward to a new experience? But the feeling won't leave me! I wish I could just wipe the slate clean, and be able to truly look forward to a beach vacation without all of this doubt and worry, but I don't know how! The future, even just the next few weeks, are completely freaking me out right about now.

I'm sure you all think I'm a crazy woman right now {feel free to run, I'll take no offense!} , but I had to get this out. Can anyone relate to the way I'm feeling? I am obviously scared. I'm praying about it, but I'm still clueless as to what I'll decide to do. I need a voice of ration to encourage me one way or another! Thank you so much if you've read all the way through this jumbled mess of my thoughts. I could write pages and pages more, but I'll stop here. Ahhh! Overwhelming. So girls,

To beach or not to beach?

Inspiration By Song {#14}

Happy Sunday, Girls!

I hope you all have wonderful days today! I'm going dress shopping with my aunt, mom, and little sister to find a dress for my aunt to where to her graduation {she's in the nursing program, and she's officially an LPN- Licensed Practical Nurse now!} Should be fun! Whatever you do today, remember to thank God for it! We are all so, ridiculously blessed, {yes, that's you!} and half the time we don't even recognize it. Rest, relax, recharge and get read to start a beautiful new week on Monday! To get you inspired, I've got two awesome songs for you: Outcast and No Matter What both by Kerry Roberts! She is a fabulous artist I recently discovered. I love her style, and she is so encouraging and relateable. Trust me, they are both oh-so-awesome songs, and the lyrics are just plain amazing!

Since I can remember

Guess I've been a problem

Never had a filter

Never been the popular one

To sugarcoat what I know is undeniable

I just can't hide it

I wear it like a letter

Everywhere I go

Everyone is talking

I can feel them staring

They hope I'm just pretending

And giving up my power

Caving into pressure

I'm not living for them

I live for something better

I'm not good enough

I'm not what they want

But let me tell you what

I know who I am

So just throw me out

For not fitting in

I will stand my ground

And be an outcast

So-o what if I'm an outcast

So-o what if I'm an outcast

So what if I don't look the

Part I'm supposed to play

What if I don't follow

All the rules they make

They think I should be perfect

They love it when I mess up

No grace in case I blow it

A good girl shouldn't need it

I'm not good enough

I'm not what they want

But let me tell you what

I know who I am

So just throw me out

For not fitting in

I will stand my ground

And be an outcast

So-o what if I'm an outcast

So-o what if I'm an outcast

So slow and everybody's so fast

So-o what if I'm an outcast

I try to play nice

I don't want to fight

But I won't be gray

When it's all black and white

'Cause what I believe

Is what makes me strong

If I don't belong

I'll hold on to love

I try to play nice

I don't want to fight

But I won't be gray

When it's all black and white

'Cause what I believe

Is what makes me strong

If I don't belong

I'll hold on to love

So-o what if I'm an outcast

So-o what if I'm an outcast

So slow and everybody's so fast

No matter what it costs

I'll be an outcast

I'm not good enough

I'm not what they want

But let me tell you what

I know who I am

So just throw me out

For not fitting in

Imma stand my ground

And be an outcast

I'm not good enough

I'm not what they want

And let me tell you what

I know who I am

So just throw me out

For not fitting in

I will stand my ground

And be an outcast

I’m running back to Your promises one more time

Lord that’s all I can hold on to

I gotta say this has taken me by surprise, but nothing surprises You

Before a heartache can ever touch my life

It has to go through Your hands

And even though I keep asking why, I keep asking why

No matter what, I’m gonna love You

No matter what I’m gonna need You

I know You can find a way to keep me from the pain

But if not, if not, I’ll trust You no matter what, no matter what

When I’m stuck in this nothingness by myself

I’m just sitting in silence

There’s no way I can make it without Your help, I won’t even try it

I know You have Your reasons for everything so I will keep believing

Whatever I might be feeling, God You are my hope

And You will be my strength

Anything I don’t have You can give it to me, but it’s OK if You don’t

I’m not here for those things

The touch of Your love is enough on its own

No matter what I still love You and I’m gonna need You

No matter what I’m gonna love You, no matter what I’m gonna need You

I know You can find a way to keep me from the pain

But if not, if not, I’ll trust You

I know You can find a way to keep me from the pain

But if not, but if not, I’ll trust You

No matter what

No matter no matter what

No matter no matter what

No matter no matter what

Well... I'm doing great with B90Days!

Last week, I decided to join in on the 3in30 challenge! Here's how I'm doing with my goals:

1. To be successful at keeping up with the Bible in 90 Days Challenge.

I have to say, I am LOVING the Bible in 90 Days Challenge! I am doing great with this goal, and I'm even a day ahead of where I need to be. :)  Today, we are supposed to be reading Exodus 1-15:18, and I did that yesterday. Today, I want to finish Exodus if I can! That's two days worth of reading, but I just love this challenge so much because of all that I'm learning and absorbing. I pray that I'll be able to keep on track and stay this motivated throughout the entire challenge! 

2. To start the Couch to 5K program and keep up with doing it 3 times a week.

Well.... This one was a bust. Waking up early is something I LOVE to do, but i also love staying up latte, so it doesn't come easy to me. Girls, I purposely went to bed early Monday night so I could wake up early Tuesday morning and start the program. It was 6:30am, I was dressed in my workout gear and ready to go, so I called my mom to make sure she didn't want to do it with me. She told me I couldn't (okay, well I'm an adult so technically I still could have, but...) go outside and run because the heat index was 112 degrees. At 6:30 in the morning. So, I haven't gotten to get started on this yet, but I really do want to do it, so I'll get started this week no matter how hot it is!

3. Finish all my school work before July 23rd.

Oh gosh.... That's 8 days away. I'm really, really, really going to have to push myself to get this done, but I want to get it done so bad (anyone want to do it for me? Just kidding!). It's just so easy to put of the thing you dread most, but I've kind of got a lot to do, and I definitely don't want to be rushing a stressing out later on. Lord, help me get this stuff done! I have made very minimal progress: i bought both books I need, one from Amazon (it arrived yesterday!) and one for my e-reader. Tomorrow I'm going to the library to get a European map. Honestly, I'm looking forward to the memorization of European countries for my Human Geography class a whole lot more than I'm looking forward to the notes, reading and projects. I'm thinking of extending my "deadline". I had it set as the 23rd so I could go to Florida, which I'm still deciding if I'm going to do or not, without having to worry about school. It was a good plan, but if I do decide to go after all, wouldn't the 14 hour car ride and all those lazy days at the beach be optimal time to TACKLE THIS SCHOOLWORK once and for all? Thoughts?

So... it is what it is. I'm thriving with one of my goals, eager to get going with another, and quite honestly, dreading and procrastinating on the last one. :)

At least the Bible in 90 Days is going great!

My First Venture...

I was 13.

I'd done so many awful things, especially to my cousin Hannah.

And I'd been forgiven. I thought that there couldn't be any rational way that I would be forgiven after being such a brat {And girls, trust me when I say this, I was a brat. Much worse, actually...}. But I apologized, and everyone forgave me. I was absolutely blown away, but I knew it wasn't my small, weak words that had accomplished such a feat. It must have been an act of... Well, that guy I didn't believe in {God}.

I was so thankful for the way things worked out, the way I'd been forgiven for all of my awful sins, that I started believing. 

Yup, the girl who cut Christ out of her life at the ripe old age of 8, came back to Him on her knees 5 long years later, at age 13.

I didn't know anything, girls. I didn't know where to start. My family had already stopped going to church 5 years ago because I hated it so much and I used to cry and scream whenever they made me go {I wasn't lying when I said I was a major brat.}

How do I get close to God? I wondered.

I craved Him. I was new, and of course confused, but I had this strong desire to develop a relationship with God. I did the only thing I knew to do. I grabbed my tiny little mini-light blue NIV New Testament, which I only had because it had come in a Christmas stocking from this group that brought Christmas gifts for inmates children at the prison where my dad worked (there were always extra stockings, so the employees of the prison always took some home for their kids.) and started reading.

I read 5 minutes a night. It was like a page and a half of my mini-Bible. Some night I even read 10 minutes {Wow}! I know now what a slow pace, but for me, I got to really absorb the meaning of everything. It was my first time reading any of the Bible. Ever.

I would write pages and pages in my journal every night, reflecting on the whole 5 minutes of the Bible I read, my day, the other things I was reading and watching to help feed my new hunger for faith.

In November, I kind of stopped reading for a while, but when I realized it was the week of Thanksgiving, I started back up, this time reading more than I had been each night. I had a goal, and I was determined to accomplish it on time.

So on December 2nd. which was my 14th birthday, I finally finished. After about 4 months, I was finally done reading the New Testament. And that was one of the best birthdays I've ever had, even now.

I felt so accomplished. I was so proud of myself. I was so amazed at the grace of God to help me complete such a thing! It was an awesome feeling.

I didn't really even know about the Old Testament back then. Seriously, and I didn't really care. The New Testament was what I had, and that was what I read/studied. Life was good.

That was my very first experience with the Bible. Now, I'm taking the challenge to read the whole thing in just 90 days. I'm very familiar with the New  Testament, but I don't know much of the Old at all! It's day 4 of the challenge, and it's awesome. I can't believe that in 86 days, I'll be able to say I've read the entire Bible, cover to cover. God is so good, friends, He really is!

Take A Leap

Abraham took the wood for the burnt offering and placed it on his son Isaac, and he himself carried the fire and the knife. As the two of them went on together,
Isaac spoke up and said to his father Abraham, "Father?"
"Yes, my son?" Abraham replied.
"The fire and wood are here," Isaac said, "but where is the lamb for the burnt offering?"
Abraham answered, "God himself will provide the lamb for the burnt offering, my son." And the two of them went on together.
When they reached the place God had told him about, Abraham built an altar there and arranged the wood on it. He bound his son Isaac and laid him on the altar, on top of the wood Then he reached out his hand and took the knife to slay his son. {Genesis 22:6-10}

I am going through this journey of reading the Bible in 90 Days {it's amazing, you guys!}, and this is the passage that stuck out to me the most from day 2.

God asked Abraham to take his only son, whom he loved so much and go sacrifice him as a burnt offering.

And Abraham didn't even question him.

God was asking this man to kill his son and he wasn't doubtful at all. He was willing to do whatever God wished, and he wasn't afraid; He knew that God would work everything for good.

What an amazing faith.

I know for certain that if I, or any of you for that matter, were in Abraham's place, we would have said, "Yeah right, God!" and totally ignored what God asked us to do.

Because at that point, God must be crazy, right? There is know way that a sane, rational God would ask you to do something like that.

Friends, God is NOT crazy.

More like amazing.

Sometimes He will test our faith. We will be scared out of our minds at times, it's true. We won't know what the future holds, but girls, that's okay!

Because He knows what our future holds. He will work everything for good {Romans 8:28}, as long as we put our full trust in him.

Stop holding back. Give God your all! Isn't that the least He deserves?

Next time your placed in a trying situation, pray, and do what God wants you to do. Don't question or doubt him. Put your all-trusting, faith in him, and take a leap.

The Story of The Starfish

This morning, I wanted to share with you all a beautiful, empowering story that I've heard so many times, especially on adoption blogs. Anyone can make a difference!

Once upon a time, there was a wise man who used to go to the ocean to do his writing. He had a habit of walking on the beach before he began his work.

One day, as he was walking along the shore, he looked down the beach and saw a human figure moving like a dancer. He smiled to himself at the thought of someone who would dance to the day, and so, he walked faster to catch up.

As he got closer, he noticed that the figure was that of a young man, and that what he was doing was not dancing at all. The young man was reaching down to the shore, picking up small objects, and throwing them into the ocean.

He came closer still and called out "Good morning! May I ask what it is that you are doing?"

The young man paused, looked up, and replied "Throwing starfish into the ocean."

"I must ask, then, why are you throwing starfish into the ocean?" asked the somewhat startled wise man.

To this, the young man replied, "The sun is up and the tide is going out. If I don't throw them in, they'll die."

Upon hearing this, the wise man commented, "But, young man, do you not realize that there are miles and miles of beach and there are starfish all along every mile? You can't possibly make a difference!"

At this, the young man bent down, picked up yet another starfish, and threw it into the ocean. As it met the water, he said, "It made a difference for that one."